Category: healing

The elephant keeps walking

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Life is a car crash – a complete disaster from start to finish.

Life is also the most wonderful amazing thing.

You are amazing. Remember that you were the one sperm in millions who won the swimming race – you were the one that fertilized the egg in the womb! You were born an Olympic Gold Medalist.

But boy does the crap come at you on so many days. Sometimes it feels overwhelming.

I’ve just got back from a holiday into a very busy week. I’m going through this busy week with all my emotional baggage having its own stroppy session. To be honest, I’d be happy to have another holiday – maybe 6 weeks more holiday!

But I can’t do that. I’ve got commitments.

In fact this weekend, I’m doing some public speaking up North.

In one survey, public speaking was voted the number one fear people have. Number 1.

Death was number 2!

So basically people were saying that at a funeral, they’d rather be in the coffin that having to do the eulogy!

But you know what? I’m going to go and do my public speaking and meeting people and sharing my books with people, and I’m going to try and enjoy the whole thing.

Sometimes, I feel we just have to plough on and do our best.

A wise teacher from India shared this insight:

“The elephant keeps walking as the dogs keep barking.”

The elephant doesn’t yell at the dogs for barking. It doesn’t go to a store to get muzzles to shut the dogs up. The elephant doesn’t veer off its path to waste precious energy leaving endless Facebook comments clarifying its position, or attempt to “take the dogs down.”

It just keeps walking.

Right now, I think that’s what I’m doing.

I know at other times, I just need to get away and rest, have solitude and silence.

Life requires us to sometimes plough on like the elephant, and sometimes to stop and be still.

One thing I have learned over the years is that we have to work on our self-care. Some of us are so quick to be there for others we forget to be there for ourselves.

We are all a bit broken – everyone of us. I’ve never met anyone with all the dots on their dice. But last time I checked, broken crayons still colour.

While you plough on like the elephant, or seek stillness and calm, there are 4 things we should do to look after ourselves:

Ask for help.

Be kind to yourself.

Embrace imperfection.

Try new tactics.

Progress

I pray that any dogs barking at you get tired or distracted and stop.

I pray for fresh peace and understanding for you.

I pray for you to colour some new pictures with your broken crayons so you can bless the world with your creativity.

Peace.

 

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Ghost Train

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Miles walked 2018: 345 / 1,000 on the 1,000 miles in a year challenge.

Ah… Bank Holiday weekend AND – Good Lord – the sun was out in full force!

We spent Saturday and Sunday in the garden, as we have a thousand jobs that need doing.

But as Monday approached we thought we should get out and about.

Mrs E suggested we go out for breakfast. When Monday dawned it was another beautiful day. I messaged the eldest daughter to see if she wanted to join us for breakfast. She did, and suggested we could follow it with a walk somewhere.

We long to get the whole family back together but the youngest one is still living in Iceland for a few months more.

So a very pleasant breakfast was had by the three of us at Hollow Trees Farm, in Suffolk.

After breakfast we decided to drive over to Clare Castle Country Park and do a little walk there along the old railway track.

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It’s a beautiful place and what was once a noisy steam railway has now been almost completely taken over by nature.

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The track has been removed and the old track bed forms a linear walk for a nice stretch.

It reminded me of the old railway station at Clayton Bridge, in Manchester, where I went to watch the trains when I was little.

Clayton Bridge

We’d never heard of Dr Beeching  (or Suffolk for that matter!) but I do remember going down to the station to watch the last steam train go through, back in the 1960s.

In Manchester, the track is still there but the station buildings have all gone. The track is part of the Manchester to Yorkshire route and still used to this day.

Meanwhile, in Suffolk, Clare station is the opposite – the station is still there but the tracks have long gone.

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Clare Station was closed in 1967 and the land was eventually sold to make Clare Castle Country Park. The old station building now houses a cafe.

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There are so many places in England where the ghosts of the old railway network can be seen.

For me, a sort of ghost train, rattles and chuffs past now and again, bringing memories of childhood holidays, the smell of steam, the glorious noise of a steam engine, and fond memories of when my life was all about buttered toast and trains.

I was never a proper train-spotter – I never wrote down numbers or anything – but there is something about the railways of this little island that still transports me back to the halcyon days of childhood – even in places where Dr Beeching nicked the tracks.

 

 

Ice, Ice, Baby…

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Miles walked: 225 out of 1,000 mile target this year.

It’s been a busy March and thankfully it included some walking to get up to the 1,000 mile target this year.

On the 18th or March we flew out to Iceland to visit our youngest daughter, who is living there for a year, working for the Red Cross.

Ironically, the day we left the UK the ice and snow moved in, and I was uncertain if we’d make it to the airport in the very early hours.

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However, over in Iceland they had 8 degrees of warmness and most of the snow had thawed in Reykjavik.

We arrived on the Sunday and met up with the daughter and had a wander around the town.

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Our eldest daughter had been out recently as well as my younger brother, and it was interesting to recognise buildings they had put up on Instagram.

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On the Monday, Mrs E and I went for a wander around the town and then met up with Heather.

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Everything is expensive here but we found a little cafe and I had some rather nice eggs and bacon that cost me £19 (19 GBP = $27 US). Very expensive but there are few alternatives here in Reykjavik.

We’d already had quite a walk but Heather had planned a walk for us so, in the afternoon, we visited the coast and found a volcanic beach. My feet were beginning to ache a little as I didn’t bring my walking shoes. But no problem! Heather took us to a natural foot spa on the beach! Water as hot as you’d have a bath, bubbles into a stone pool. Although the weather was very cold the water was nice and hot. Bliss!

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We walked over 12 miles that day, so hopefully I’m getting ahead with my daily average.

The next day, Heather was working so we entertained ourselves exploring more of Reykjavik but it was a bit of a rainy day.

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So we paid a visit to the iconic parish church or Hallgrímskirkja as it’s called here. We were staying just across the road from here but it was nice to go inside. It was much less cluttered with the barnacles of the past than many English churches – probably due to only being built between 1945 and 1986. If IKEA built churches, they may look like this.

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We sat inside for a while and, even with the tourists coming and going, there was a sense of peace here.

That evening we went to a jazz bar, which was busy but had a great atmosphere. It was good to see the town at night all lit up.

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On Wednesday, Heather hired a car to drive us out to see waterfalls and geysers. What a day! Driving through blizzards, snow, ice and rain, through to clearer skies.

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On the last day, it was our daughter’s birthday and she came over to have breakfast with us before we left for the airport.

Including all the airport walking, our little Icelandic adventure clocked up 40 miles to add to my running total towards my target of 1,000 miles in a year.

Help line?

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Phoning our energy company. Deep joy. If I’m honest, I don’t like phoning anyone. I prefer email or text message – less room for misunderstandings when something is in writing.

But we got a letter with some words in red!

Apparently, energy companies now have to inspect your gas and electric meters every two years to check they are safe.

I’d ignored the first letter because, well, another regulation passed by disconnected politicians who are totally unaware of the chaos they cause by passing blanket laws.

At least I understood that this one could save lives for some people who live in housing with a dodgy landlord or a dodgy energy meter.

Unfortunately, our energy company can’t even get my name right – everything is addressed to ‘Mr D L Egan’. It’s ‘D J’ as in Trump, unfortunately.

Oh the hurdles!

First hurdle: three bars of Vivaldi on repeat, followed by patronising recorded-voice-woman – ‘Did you know we have a website and you could probably do what you’re trying to do without bothering us on the phone? Go to www…’

Nobody types the ‘www’ anymore! And… the letter said to phone you, with no mention of being able to do this online.

So that goes on for five depressing minutes as I lose the will to live.

Second hurdle: Over friendly human asking about my day. Look, were not friends, we’re never going to be friends. We’re probably never going to speak again after today. Let’s just get this over with as quickly and efficiently as possible. (If you really want to know, I’m sat here in my PJs just before I go and shower. I want to get this over with before I start my day because I hate phoning large companies).

Third Hurdle: ‘OK we’ll just check your details are correct. Name?’

Why? The ‘D L Egan’ has grown on me. At least I know communications are definitely from you when I see this error. But OK, lets correct my name. Let’s even lose the middle initial.

‘It’s Don Egan,’ I say.

‘OK Dan, I’ll just change that.’

‘DON Egan,’ I repeat.

‘Yes, Dan, I’ve changed that now. So, Dan, can you give me your house number and postcode?’

‘It’s Don. With an ‘O’ for orange.’

‘Sorry, I missed that Dan. Could you repeat your address?

‘No. My NAME! It’s Don.’

‘Yes, I’ve got your name Dan. I need your address.’

‘My name is not Dan?

‘What?’

‘My first name is ‘Don’ – DELTA OSCAR NOVEMBER.’

‘Oh, I see, sorry Don. OK I’ll correct that.

We get through the address and then update the email and check the mobile phone number.

‘OK, Don, I notice you’re over sixty,’ (Actually, I’m just sixty if you don’t mind!) ‘so you qualify for our free ‘Vulnerable person package.’’

To be honest, by this point I was feeling like a vulnerable person being forced to jump through hoops for the amusement of others.

Twelve minutes I was on the phone before we got around to booking the meter inspection.

‘They’ll be with you Monday between 1pm and 4pm.’

 

Monday at 3:55pm the man came. He checked the meters were safe – well they had only been installed about two years ago so I hope they are! It turned out I’d only been booked for the electric meter check. Arrgh!

‘I’ll log that I’ve checked the gas meter as well,’ said the young man, typing something into his iPad.

He also read the meters, even though they are Smart Meters and are linked direct to the company 24/7. Well, the meter reading was part of the inspection.

 

Two days later, another man came to read the meters from the same company! No scam – they both came in company vans, with boiler suits with company logo and full ID.

We never saw this many meter readers before we got the Smart Meter.

For some reason, I’ve taken to sitting in a dark room in the afternoons rocking backwards and forwards.

The Flat Rabbit

flatrabbit2 Yesterday I was quite moved by an article I read about a children’s book that deals with grief. The Flat Rabbit is by Scandinavian children’s book author and artist Bárður Oskarsson. A dog is taking a walk when he discovers a rabbit lying completely flattened in the road. He is quite disturbed by the find and is soon joined by his friend the rat. flatrabbit3

“She is totally flat,” said the rat. For a while they just stood there looking at her. “Do you know her?” “Well,” said the dog, “I think she’s from number 34. I’ve never talked to her, but I peed on the gate a couple of times, so we’ve definitely met.”

They imagine lying flattened in the road is no fun so they think they should do something for the poor rabbit. But they are not sure what. They go to the park for a while to sit and think. The dog finally has an idea and they return and collect the rabbit from the road. flatrabbit9 They work all night in the dog’s workshop and build a kite. They lovingly attach the rabbit to the kite and then, after many failed attempts they get the kite and the rabbit flying. flatrabbit95

Once the kite was flying, they watched it in silence for a long time. “Do you think she is having a good time?” the rat finally asked, without looking at the dog. The dog tried to imagine what the world would look like from up there. “I don’t know…” he replied slowly. “I don’t know.”

I was quite moved by the story because it gently explores the real messiness of grief and loss. Those left behind seldom know what to do, yet feel they must do something. Grief has been a huge part of my story and, watching the dog and the rat struggle to know what to do with the rabbit, I see a reflection of my own confusion about what to do with grief. I’ll be thinking about the flat rabbit and her friends trying to cope with their loss for weeks to come, I think. flatrabbit0 The Flat Rabbit is available on Amazon here.

Looking for seagulls

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The three short years of my son’s troubled life were torture. I thought the bad days would never end. His deformed heart would suddenly cause his blood pressure to drop and he’d pass out. He was in and out of hospital all the time.

Various medicines had to be taken several times a day to keep him alive. When we went out as a family we took a whole pharmacy with us wherever we went.

After he died, shortly before his third birthday, I entered a dark place of not coping that, thirty years later, is only just coming to an end.

When you are going through something frightening or unpleasant, it sometimes feels that this bad period of your life will never be over. Often it feels like the good times play out too fast and the bad times play in slow motion. Life doesn’t have a fast forward button.

Sometimes it feels like our ship has sunk and we are cast adrift, swimming in an endless ocean with no sight of dry land. How long can we go on? But I have learned to look for seagulls.

We may not see the dry land of hope yet, but seagulls never fly too far from the shore. Even a lone seagull can give us hope. Then a few more appear in the sky. Land must be near. Our trial will soon be over and we will stand on solid ground once more.

I don’t know what trials you may be facing today. But don’t give up. Look for the seagulls. Look for a small sign that something is changing for the better.

You may not yet have what you hope for but the seagull means you’re not far off. Hang in there. Dry land is coming soon.

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dANGER

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We all feel angry sometimes. That’s part of being human. Feeling angry isn’t a sin. However, we need to be cautious if it happens frequently. If we have made anger a lifestyle, we are in real danger.

I’ll hold my hands up – I’ve been angry for a long time about the death of my son. It was no one’s fault. It was just a serious health issue he was born with. Those who tried to help did miracles. For the three years he was with us, we are very thankful. But small children should not die. That is just wrong.

I was never sure what to do with those feelings of frustration and hurt. For the most part I tried to block them out. I can think of times when I felt really angry about things that really didn’t matter. I’m sure I was projecting my frustration and anger onto those petty situations.

The word ‘anger’ is one letter removed from ‘danger’ If you fly into a rage, you can be sure of a bad landing. When our emotions are out of control, so is our life. Anger makes our mouth work faster than our mind. We end up saying and doing things we will regret later.

Anger is like a theatre curtain ready to part for the first act of the play. Behind the curtain stand all our lonely feelings – the actors ready to perform – guilt projection, discontentment, discouragement, abandonment, despair, unending feelings of inadequacy. Anger is the curtain that hides all these feelings from the outside world.

It’s easier to be angry than to deal with the real feelings because then people won’t see how much you’re really hurting because anger keeps people away.

Getting into a rage doesn’t make us ‘big’ or clever. In fact, the opposite is true.

Anger and rage are really unpleasant for those around you. If you are just an angry person, who takes things out on your family and those around you instead of dealing with the real issue, you will soon be without friends and your family will look for ways to avoid you.

Anger never accomplishes what you want it to.

In addition to all of that, anger is actually dangerous for your physical health.

Emotional stress and anger trigger the release of stress hormone cortisol in the body. Small releases of cortisol can give the body a quick burst of energy.

However, higher and more prolonged increases can cause lots of negative effects.

Cortisol is public health enemy number one. Scientists have known for years that elevated cortisol levels interfere with learning and memory, lower immune function and bone density, increase weight gain, blood pressure, cholesterol, heart disease. The list goes on and on.

Anger does kill. A study in the journal ‘Circulation’ finds that those who explode with anger are at a greater risk of strokes and sudden death.

Chronic stress and elevated cortisol levels also increase risk for depression, mental illness, and lower life expectancy.

So what can we do?

If we don’t deal with the cause of our anger, we end up projecting that anger onto other people and situations.

After years of feeling overwhelmed by past hurts I think I have somehow come to terms with my grief and anger. Life is a bit poo sometimes. That’s just how it is. Time to move on.

Better to make some new happy memories with those we still have than waste our life with rage.

We do have a choice. We don’t have to be angry. We can change.

What is the root of your biggest frustration? Does it come out as anger to those around you sometimes?

If so, what are you going to do about it?

My friend Paul McGee has a lot of helpful advice on this issue. Check out his books or watch his short videos at SUMO (Shut Up Move On).

Whatever you do, do something! Don’t let anger become a lifestyle!

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Only one thing is needed

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I don’t make New Year’s resolutions anymore. They rarely last until the end of January. If we were going to make a lifestyle change we could have done it any time we wanted to. But we didn’t.

Also people make too many resolutions. They set too many goals, so they set themselves up for failure, which, in turn, leads to bad feelings about ourselves. Why would we do that?

But we can do something to improve our life.

These days I tend to think more in terms of themes rather than goals. Goals are very specific and we can easily miss them. But themes are broader and easier to achieve.

At this time of year I do a sort of spiritual listening. I am listening for that small quiet voice. You may call it The Universe or your heart.

I like to think of it in more personal terms.

There’s a story in the Bible I really like. It was a bit like Christmas Day or one of those days when the whole family comes round for dinner. There was a lots to do – cooking, setting the table, tidying up, making sure everyone had drinks and a place to sit… on and on.

But in this story, Jesus is one of the guests. A woman called Mary is sitting listening to Jesus. Her sister Martha is playing the martyr and doing all the chores. She gets a bit cheesed off with her sister lazing about with Jesus.

But Jesus says Mary made the better choice. She was doing the spiritual listening. 

‘Only one thing is needed. Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her.’

– Jesus

But the other thing I notice is what Jesus actually said – ‘Only one thing is needed.’

We can start right there for 2015. Don’t make lots of resolutions. Only one thing is needed.

If we could actually make one quality change in our lifestyle this year, and establish that as being part of who we are, it would be far more valuable than trying to start (or drop) ten things and failing at them all.

So what is the one thing you think you should do this year? I can’t tell you what that is. You’ll need to listen to your heart, do the spiritual listening. We need a bit of solitude and space to hear. Go for a walk. Lie on the floor and meditate. Go for a swim. And be intentional about listening with your heart. Give it a day or three. When you get it, write it down.

I think I know what mine is already. I think I’ve known it for a long time but felt unable to do it. But this year, I think it’s the right theme for me.

There was a guy many years ago who had an amazing spiritual experience. The trouble was, every time he spoke about it, he got beat up, imprisoned or people attempted to kill him. He was left in a pool of blood several times – left for dead. He wasn’t the luckiest person either. He went on a ship and a storm came, wrecked the ship and the ship sank. He swam to shore. As he lit a fire for the survivors a snake came and bit him on the hand. Miraculously he survived. After all that, he could be forgiven if he turned to drink or drugs and gave up. But he didn’t.

He set his theme for the year.

He didn’t aim for lots of goals. He just did one thing.

In a letter to some friends he wrote:

‘One thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining towards what is ahead, I press on…’

Wow! The snake bite, the shipwreck, the muggings, the beatings, the false prison sentences – all the crap that had befallen him – he put it all behind him… and pressed on into the future, to be the best he could be.

His name was Paul. He wrote most of the New Testament in the Bible.

I haven’t been through what he went through but my life has had some pretty crappy moments. Sometimes I’ve been trapped in the past, weighed down with grief. But the past is the past. We can’t change it. We can only learn from it.

This year, as I do the spiritual listening, I think I can hear a thin whisper…

‘Forgetting what is behind and straining towards what is ahead, I press on…’

I can’t change the past but I am the author of the next chapter of my life. No one remembers the half time score.

What about you? Do you do the spiritual listening at this time of year? What could your one thing be?

Understand your emotional energy

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Every morning just before you wake, the energy fairy visits you and gives you a portion of emotional energy for the day. Each one of us is allotted a similar amount of emotional energy every morning. When you have spent that emotional energy it’s more or less gone until the next day.

When that emotional energy is gone, everything you try to do seems harder. There are a few things you can do to recharge your emotional batteries and there are a few things you can do that will drain your emotional batteries.

This energy is limited so we need to be wise in how we spend each day’s allotted energy.

It is the source and power of all your creativity. So we need to understand that our best work will normally be achieved within three to four hours of waking.

This means that, where possible, we should do the most important things for the day in the morning, when our emotional energy is fully charged. Get up earlier if you have to.

Professional negotiators often plan important negotiations for late afternoon when the people they are trying to negotiate with will have fewer resources to argue with them. It’s easier for them to sell their ideas to people running on low emotional energy. So beware of agreeing in the afternoon to doing something you may later regret.

Depending on where you fit on the introvert/extrovert scale of things, you will likely gain energy in different ways. By the way, no one is either extrovert or introvert, but these are opposite ends of a scale, and all of us fit somewhere between to two. And please don’t confuse introversion with being shy or quiet either. Basically, the nearer to the extrovert end of the scale you are, the more likely that you gain energy through outside stimulus and being with a crowd. By contrast, the nearer you are to the introvert end of the scale, the more you are likely to gain energy from solitude and time to think.

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For example, I’m nearer the introvert end of the scale. This surprises some people because I do a lot of public speaking, so I don’t appear shy. But that’s a misconception about introverts anyway. But I do need a daily dose of solitude and quietness to survive emotionally. I need to think and process the day.

By contrast, a friend of mine is more extrovert. He gains energy from outside stimulus. When he feels low, he’ll invite a load of people round for a barbeque. This recharges his emotional energy, whereas for me it would be quite draining after a while.

Once we identify what energises us and what drains us, we need to have sufficient periods of the thing that energises us. If we let several days go past without those energising activities we will start to feel stressed.

One more thing, avoid angry, negative or toxic people. Anger, negativity, and toxic behaviour will always drain everyone. Anger drains the angry person as well as those to whom the anger is directed. Everyone loses.

So take a step back. Observe when in the day you feel most alive and energised. When in the day do you feel most drained? Can you plan your day to use your higher energy times for your more creative activities?

I try to write first thing in the morning for an at least an hour. It’s my most creative time and I want to use it well. Things like admin, meetings and other stuff can wait till later in the day.

Social media can drain us too. Taking in lots of unimportant information, amusing cat videos, and similar stuff can use up our precious emotional energy. Chose a less important time in the day for that stuff if you want to maximise your creativity.

What about you? What gives you emotional energy? What drains your emotional energy?

Developing an attitude of gratitude

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There is a lot wrong with the world – that’s true. There have been a lot of wrong things in my life, things that really hurt me, not least the loss of three family members back in the 1980s. That is also true.

For the last twenty years, a big part of my work has been helping adults and children in Rwanda recover from the horrors of genocide. I’ve seen some horrors in that country in the aftermath of the killing.

BUT… and it is a big BUT!

There is a lot we can be grateful for in the world. It doesn’t deny the injustice or the suffering in the world, but it does help.

Here’s the thing:

One of the steps of my own personal healing has been to learn to be intentionally grateful and thankful. I’ve spent years being depressed by what I lost. But I can’t change the past. By focussing on what we no longer have, we often miss the many things we do have.

Something happens when we give thanks for good stuff – it enriches our lives and releases joy in our spirit.

Over the next seven days, I am going to write down something I am thankful for each day.

We may have moments when something good happens that we are grateful for. But I am talking about being intentionally grateful, everyday.

If you woke up in a bad mood today – give thanks that you woke up today. Not everyone did…

If we want to build our gratitude muscle we have to nurture an attitude of gratitude by listing the things we are thankful for each day. As it gets stronger, it will bring us joy and happiness.

I once heard about a man called Tom who was always thankful. When he had an accident and broke his arm, his friend commiserated with him about his broken limb. But Tom said it was the best broken arm he had ever had!

Perhaps that is a little extreme but here is a short video to get you started.

What are you thankful for today?